Matthew's Ordeal
by Clare bear 48
Summary: Matthew's troubled feelings after his loss of Ingrid in tragic circumstances
1. Chapter 1

Mathew's Ordeal

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

Chapter 1

Matthew had not been able to move on from the greatest loss of his young life. Ingrid had been his world. He'd have done anything for her. People had said they were too young to have such feelings, but he shared with Ingrid his life, they were to grow old together. Suddenly trying to be normal had been too great a burden for him. He needed to get away from acting normally. He was consumed with such anger at her, at the family, and especially at God. Nobody knew that they had married just before she took her last breath. He kept that bottled up inside. He was still trying to comprehend how she could have surfaced from those nightmarish convulsions to being her normal self and then just to slip away like that.

Firstly was the shock of Pup attacking Ingrid. Hadn't they taken all precautions, Sully making it clear no one, and he meant no body, was to go near the wolf? Then the fact that Ma had to cut so much muscle from her arm, in the hopeful attempt at saving Ingrid's life. He had denied that she would die, pinning all his hopes that Ma could perform a miracle. Even Ingrid's being so brave, she had insisted they set the date for their marriage, had convinced him she'd be okay.

Indescribable shock at walking into the recovery room at the clinic and seeing her thrash around, spit gushing from her mouth and her eyes looking like she was possessed by the devil himself had continually haunted him.

Brian had taken the burden of his loss hard and had tried so hard taking responsibility for Pup biting Ingrid. He had even gone after Pup to shoot him although he was Brian's companion since that first Christmas.

It had been a terrible accident but that didn't make it easier to bear. Colleen and Brian had tried. Ma as well; she had been there comforting him. The person that he felt had shared his loss was Pa. He could see it in his eyes when he stopped him going back to the old homestead on his own. Sully had recognised in Matthew that he'd run from the pain, as he had done so many years before. Sully's anguish had shown in his eyes as he'd held him back from leaving. Sully had to physically restrain him, yelling at him trying to get him calm enough to listen. Matthew had finally succumbed to Sully's pressure to remain with the family at the homestead, for the time being at least.

He'd not been able to talk to them. The family now focused on a new baby coming. He was happy but this was only making his grief worse. It should have been his… Ingrid's happiness, their dreamed baby.

He was questioning himself whether he was being a coward, skulking away in the night leaving just a note on the clinic door for Ma to discover in the morning. But he just couldn't pretend to be moving on when all he wanted to do was to die, remove the incredible pain that was engulfing him all his waking moments.

After finding the note Dr Mike and Sully had rushed to the old homestead and found it abandoned. He had left just after sun set.

Dr Mike was saying, "It's not like him to leave without telling us where he's going."

She looked distressed and Sully was saddened.

He replied, "Must'a been brewin' for a while." He realized that Matthew hadn't been doing as well as they thought. Matthew had hidden it so well from them.

Continuing Dr Mike was puzzled, "I don't understand... He's been doing so well since Ingrid died."

Sully retorted, "Maybe not as good as we thought."

He remembered how it was for him all those years ago and realized that his fear on the day of the funeral of Matthew taking off had eventuated. He knew that this wasn't going to be easy for any of them.

Two weeks had gone by and the family had not heard a word. They all were anxious to hear something, anything of Matthews's whereabouts. Each day was torture for his brother and sister.

After Colleen and Brian for the seventh consecutive night asked if there had been any mail

Sully said, "Maybe he's not near a place where he can mail a letter."

In order to distract the siblings Dr Mike requested, "Brian would you like to say grace please?"

Silently Brian commenced, "Thank you, Lord, for...for the gifts you bring us. And... Could ya please watch over Matthew? Please bring him home soon."

"Amen," chorused the others seated at the table.

...

Matthew in the mean time had wandered aimlessly, only stopping to rest his horse. At nights sitting out in the open plains without a fire for warmth, also with no concern for his safety, he just rocked himself arms wrapped around his chest thinking tortured thoughts. Yelling and cursing at the heavens, blaming everyone for his pain. He was past eating, and shutting his eyes only brought images of Ingrid wildly thrashing around the bed in pain. Not even recognising him. He'd have swapped places with her in an instant just to have her with him one last time, thinking of all the things he'd never said now wanting to.

One morning early as the sun rose in the pastel sky he rode into the railroad camp. The men were up readying themselves for work and headed to the mess tent.

The smell of the food reached him and he knew he'd have to eat soon. Looking up he saw someone he recognised, someone who was a friend of the family.

Peter at that precise moment looked towards the lone rider coming into the camp. It was Matthew, Colleen's brother.

Peter instantly became concerned as Matthew looked over after he called his name. It was obvious that he was not taking care of himself; his cheeks were drawn. His eyes were sunken and had large dark circles under them. His clothes were in a state of disrepair as well. He was slumped in the saddle and looked tired.

"Mornin Peter," Matthew acknowledged as he tiredly dismounted.

Peter knew that something was wrong yet decided to let Matthew tell him when he was ready.

"Have you eaten? Come and have some breakfast with me as I'm headed over there," he said gently, taking Matthew's elbow and guiding him towards the tent.

They sat away from the usual throng of men hungrily scoffing down the first meal of the day. The Chinese men were eating bowls of congee and drinking green tea while all the other migrant workers had bowls of thick porridge and mugs of coffee. A general buzz of noisy conversation emanated from each group seated at the various trestle tables.

Peter guided Matthew to the end of a long table and went and retrieved two large bowls of porridge and two mugs of coffee. As he brought them back and placed one in front of Matthew he eyed him with concern.

"Heading anywhere in particular?" Peter enquired, trying to sound normal.

"No. Nowhere, don't know really," Matthew responded taking a small spoonful of the oats, then a large gulp of hot coffee. "What's happenin' here?" he asked looking around as if he was suddenly aware of his surroundings.

"We're still heading to Denver and the progress is slow due to rolling stock," Peter volunteered.

Matthew understood the term rolling stock as equipment and supplies being transported on the already completed rail. Peter and he'd spent quite a lot of time together fixing that old mule at Robert E's just a short time ago. They had cemented their mutual friendship sharing a lot at that time.

Suddenly Matthew became more interested, "Any jobs offering?" he asked looking at Peter expectantly.

"Yes a few, you'd have to talk to Mr Riggs, the boss," Peter replied. "I'll take you to him after we've eaten, though I think you should rest up a bit first. You look tired, how is everyone?" Peter tried to offer Matthew an opening to say what it was that was bothering him.

"All right, I guess. Haven't been around much and the cattle kept me busy ya know? Been gone a coupla days," Matthew ventured not looking at Peter while he replied, keeping his eyes on his breakfast.

Peter astutely gauged not to push him for the time being, acutely aware that his friend was holding something back. "Right when you're finished we'll find Mr Riggs," he concluded.

After locating Mr Riggs in the office tent and introducing Matthew, Peter took his leave. He gave a guarantee to the overseer that Matthew was a friend and good worker, having assisted in the repairs to the mule some months back at Colorado Springs.

As he left the two men, Peter said that he'd catch up with Matthew at dinner in the mess, looking back and giving Matthew a nod, concerned as something was not right with his friend.

That evening Peter found Matthew in the tent he'd been assigned and they wandered off to dinner together. Matthew still did not look rested, and Peter decided still to bide his time and wait till Matthew told him the problem.

"Got a job tending the bar," Matthew volunteered. "Thanks for the good word to Mr Riggs, Peter," Matthew continued, offering his hand to his friend.

"No problem (May Wen Tee)," Peter replied. "Bar can be a rough place, Matthew," he ventured.

"I can handle it if need be, know about the cards and can pour a beer. I'll be okay," he responded, adding, "Thanks again."

Over the next couple of weeks the two friends didn't see too much of each other with Matthew's hours taking him well into the night and waking after the labourers had left for work. Matthew did hear that there was some type of illness in the camp, yet as it didn't affect him he just left it.


	2. Chapter 2

Matthew's Ordeal Chapter 2

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

The camp site had two large tents set up side by side, with a hitching post and horses tied in front. Beside those there were smaller tents, a campfire, and workers hauling supplies.

This is what the Sully family saw as they pulled in after Peter was forced to seek Dr Quinn's medical assistance, due to the illness rapidly infecting the camp. He had all faith in her medical knowledge from his dealings with her in the past. It also gave him the opportunity once again to see and catch up with Colleen.

Peter had not mentioned that Matthew was in camp as he automatically assumed they knew and he'd not had an opportunity to speak to Matthew since he'd arrived.

Sully along with Michaela and the children were weary, having driven all night in the wagon on rough roads. They were all exhausted when they arrived at the camp from home. Peter had accompanied them on his horse. Sully was concerned about Michaela in her current condition so it had been decided that the whole family would go.

Dismounting they all headed for the nearest large tent.

Looking behind Dr Mike said, "Why don't you all wait here a moment? We don't know what these men have. It may be contagious." She was concerned that her family may be infected.

Before Peter could redirect them toward the correct tent Dr Mike was pulling back the flap and entered what quickly was recognisable as a saloon, seeing a young man clearing the tables. There was something familiar about him. Suddenly she recognised him.

"Matthew!" Dr Mike said with surprise.

Matthew looked up astonished. "Dr. Mike?" He was rattled by their sudden arrival. His family were the last people he wanted to see at this moment.

The family had followed Dr Mike into the tent, having heard her exclamation.

Brian said, "It's Matthew!" He ran to his brother, and hugged him around his shoulders excitedly.

Sully and Colleen remained back with Peter at the entrance of the tent with puzzled looks on their faces.

"Hey, Matthew," Sully said quietly. Stepping into the tent looking at the young man's face trying to gauge his reaction, he recognized his feeling of being found when he least expected or wanted to.

Dr Mike looked accusingly at Peter saying, "Why didn't you tell us Matthew was here?"

Taken aback Peter replied, "I thought you knew where he was." He genuinely thought that Matthew being so close to his family would have contacted them. Though looking back now, remembering Matthew when he arrived and finding him changed he now realized that things were not well with him at all.

Everyone looked to Matthew who couldn't meet their gaze.

Puzzled and wanting to understand Brian asked, "When're ya comin' home?"

Matthew really not wanting this conversation said in a low voice, "I don't know." still not looking at his younger brother.

Unable to read his brothers discomfort Brian continued, "But... We miss ya. Everybody does."

Sully then asked, "What're you doin' 'bout your cattle?"

The young man clenched his teeth, causing his jaw muscles to tense, and Sully recognised the signs as anger as well as irritation.

Matthew eventually looked at Sully, "I gave 'em to Jon. He's takin' 'em to Montana with the family. Start a new life."

Understanding this, Sully saw that Matthew was severing ties with the past. This unsettled him, but he was not able to tell the others he recognised the symptoms he'd dealt with himself so long ago. He decided to keep those thoughts to himself for the time bring.

Colleen who'd been quiet till then, suggested, "Maybe you could come back to town with us?"

Unsure how to say what he wanted Matthew responded, "I'm workin' here now."

Unable to comprehend what Matthew wasn't saying, Colleen looked around asking surprised "Here?"

Sully wondered, "How'd that happen?"

Without anything else to say Matthew explained, "The last bartender stole a whole week's earnin' and disappeared. So the boss, Mr. Riggs, asked me to stay..."

Brian only knew Hank and asked shocked, "You're a bartender?" He couldn't believe this as the family didn't agree with the violence the saloon brought to town.

Steeling himself Matthew said, "I run the tent."

Removing himself from the family group he began to tidy the tables, straightening chairs and tables, then taking the dirty glasses to the bar, not venturing to even look at them.

Shocked the family just looked from one to the other then at Matthew who only wanted to be left alone, trying to look busy and wishing that they'd just leave.

...

Dr Mike began to examine the ill workers. Many of them had the signs and symptoms of dysentery. The whole family was busy trying to distract themselves from the shock of finding Matthew in the camp. Colleen offered food and water to those who could tolerate a little; Brain was washing cups. Sully continued bringing in more ill men. Dr Mike requested that Colleen administer some Paregoric to a patient as he was unable to keep anything down. Next she explained to one gentleman to only take sips of fluid as he was dehydrated and that the medicine would soon work and alleviate the cramping pains he was experiencing.

After the flow of patients finally decreased Dr Mike went and stood by Sully who sensed her concern and placed an arm around her shoulders.

Dr Mike said as she looked around at all the stretchers with sick patients, "They all have dysentery. It could be from something they're eating or drinking..."

Looking at her Sully suggested, "I'll go check where they're drawin' their water. Camps don't always take care." They had seen the effects of contaminated water before.

Dr Mike nodded, "Good. I'll be back shortly. I want to talk to Matthew." Her concern was obvious now, and she had so many questions she wanted to be answered.

She headed for the door of the tent and Sully followed her. Catching up with her outside of the tent he stopped her, warning, "I don't think that's a good idea at the moment."

Tugging her sleeve from his grasp she muttered, "But he doesn't belong here."

"Right now, he feels like he doesn't belong anywhere," Sully stated trying to send her the right message.

"We're his family..." she trailed off feeling so sad, already exhausted from the long ride and treating the sick.

Sully replied, "We remind him 'bout Ingrid dyin'. The whole town does. That's why he took off." Once again he tried to convey the message he did not want to put into words: That Matthew had to sort this on his own; that interference may complicate things. Images of his own past and grief rose up in his mind like ghosts of the past.

"I understand. But if he was near us, in time, we could help him... heal," Michaela responded, desperately wanting to remove Matthew's pain.

Sully, frustrated a little, tried again to dissuade her from going, fearing it'd only push Matthew further into himself. "Folks got different ways of healin'. Some want to be around people they love. Others gotta go off by themselves." He let out a big huff in annoyance thinking, "Why she's gotta be so stubborn?"

Dr Mike considered his words, but was not convinced. She turned and walked toward the saloon tent. She had no experience with the deep grief both Matthew and Sully experienced. In Boston she had family and people who loved her around. She needed to be near people not solitude like the men.

She found Matthew with the foreman of the railroad. They were counting the day's takings. Mr Riggs was impressed with the young man. "Only need a couple more tables to increase profits," Matthew pointed out.

"Give 'em drinks at half price if they keep playin," Mr Riggs finished saying. "Here's your cut," he said handing Matthew his wages. Matthew began counting his share, just as the tent flap opens and Dr Mike walked in. They acknowledged each other.

As he looked up and saw her enter Mr. Riggs asked, "Dr. Quinn, how're my men doin'?"

"Improving. I think we've found the source of the problem," she reported looking at him them Matthew.

"Oh! What's that?" Mr. Riggs questioned.

"You've been here two weeks, and since your water pump is too close to the outhouses, the water had been contaminated. You'll have to draw from the stream from now on," she offered, silently wondering how they couldn't consider hygiene when erecting the camp.

"Fine, we'll move the pump. How long before they can go back to work?" he maintained.

"In a few days," she retorted.

Mr Riggs voiced, "Much obliged, Dr. Quinn." Looking at Matthew he continued, "I got big plans for your boy here, if he keeps on goin' the way he is."

"Would you mind if I had a word with Matthew?" Michaela interrupted.

Mr Riggs picking up the takings and preparing to leave said, "Not at all".

Suddenly there was a rattling of glasses as another explosion was felt.

Dr Mike instinctively turned her head in the direction of the noise, but Matthew, unconcerned, hardly noticed it. Dr Mike turned her attention back to Matthew.

"Are you feeling all right? You're not sick?" she asked with a mother's concern.

"No," he replied looking at her in defiance. "I ain't been drinkin' much water," he elaborated as he skulled a small glass of whisky he'd poured.

Ploughing on Dr Mike says softly, "Matthew... I think I know what you're going through..." She tried hard to connect with him and getting him to listen.

Angry that she felt she even understood how he felt he scoffed, "No, ya don't."

Trying again, this time on a different tact, she gently reminded him, "You can't run away from things, Matthew. They have a way of catching up..."

"I don't wanna talk about it," he sneered, defiance welling up inside him thinking to himself, "_She never realizes what I feel; she was always going against me and what I want."_ Memories of their various altercations over the years flooded into his brain.

Dr Mike tried to empathise, "When I thought I lost David, I would feel waves of sadness; missing him, remembering him - but over time, the pain does ease."

"Look, I know you're tryin' to help me, but you're makin' it worse," Matthew spat out, feeling his emotions rise to overwhelm him. He thought, _"Why can't she just leave me alone? I ain't her."_

"We love you, Matthew," Michaela eventually said defeated, wanting him to know they really did care.

He acknowledged what had been said with a nod. "Ya oughta be gettin' back to town." With that he turned his attention back to the bar and his work, dismissing her in that action, and pouring another whisky.

...

With only three sick men left Dr Mike, Colleen and Brian were cleaning up as the Reverend arrived. He'd heard of the epidemic and wanted to give support to the ill workers. Dr Mike informed him that everything was under control, that the cause of the outbreak had been a contaminated water supply.

Colleen stated, "We'll be goin' home soon."

"But I don't wanna leave without Matthew," Brian protested as he was still upset about all that had occurred since Pup had bitten Ingrid. He'd lost his best mate as well as his big brother. He missed their friendship and didn't know how to help. He felt so guilty and responsible even though everyone, including Mr Bray, told him it was an accident. After all, Pup had been his wolf.

Surprised the Reverend said, "Matthew's here?"

Joining in Dr Mike replied sadly, knowing the Reverend and Matthew had talked after Matthew's addiction to gambling. The Reverend had been an enormous help then. "He's running the saloon. And I'm afraid he won't come back with us." She audibly sighed.

"That's unfortunate," he stated, quickly becoming acutely aware of the situation.

Looking at the Reverend Brian pleaded in desperation, "Maybe you could talk to him. Maybe he'll listen to you."

Looking towards Dr Mike who gave him a nod he agreed, "It's worth a try".


	3. Chapter 3

Matthew Ordeal Chapter 3

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

Matthew had not slept for ages. He'd work till late then flop onto his cot. He had no inclination to bath or change; he just pushed himself until he collapsed through exhaustion. He had taken to having a few whiskies to help dull his pain, possibly help him sleep. His appetite had all but gone as well; the last half meal had been breakfast with Peter about a week ago. He was afraid to sleep as images in his dreams tormented him. These images left him worse as they replayed nightly like some sick play.

It would begin with Ingrid's delicate feet and a beautiful long white dress. Slowly he'd begin to gaze up to her tiny waist, her long slender neck and then finally her exquisite face with her pale blue eyes. Her shiny blonde hair would be intertwined with her favourite flowers and ribbons. He loved her face; she always smiled and it made him so happy. Her little sisters looked like rainbows in different colours as bride's maids. Offering his hand to take hers, she'd change suddenly. She would be in a night dress with the most grotesque face screwed up in pain and froth pouring from her mouth, eyes popping out of her head and that scream enough to chill anyone.

His blood would turn to ice cold and his heart pounded until he felt he was drenched in a cold sweat. Panting quickly he'd sit up, trying unsuccessfully to erase the image out of his mind. He didn't want this to be the one image he'd remember of her.

"Ingrid," he'd whisper, and then tears swelled into his eyes again spilling down his cheeks.

...

The next day the family prepared to leave and return to Colorado Springs. Matthew had decided to open the saloon early as he couldn't sleep any more. Sully went over to Loren's wagon as he needed more rope to use as a tie down. Loren and Jake had come to the camp on the off chance of supplying the needs of the workers.

Railway employees were lining up to receive their wages. Peter was there too, overseeing the Chinese men received what was owed to them. He was their official spokes person as many didn't have the basic knowledge of the English language.

While waiting, two men argued about who could drive a spike into a railway sleeper quicker, how many feet they covered in a shift - the usual argument that erupted in the camp occasionally when men had too much money, time and drink. Urging each other on others become involved, and then the sort of contest was discussed within the crowd.

It was to be a spike driving contest. They were excitedly preparing for the contest; it elevated the boredom.

Wilbur, a strapping huge man, would start against other contesters in the camp.

Matthew was busy completing his job when the Reverend caught up with him.

Walking, the Reverend said, "I know this is a dark time for you Matthew, but remember, we have a loving Father in Heaven who will reward the innocent and punish the wicked..."

"What are you sayin'? That Ingrid was wicked?" replied Matthew, his ire rising instantly.

Shocked the Reverend responded, "No... I was only trying to say she's gone to Heaven. She's with God."

"She never hurt a livin' thing. And me - what'd I do that was so terrible... Why am I bein' punished?" Matthew questioned, glaring at the Reverend.

"Matthew, everything happens for a purpose, even though we can't always see it. God has his reasons. He has a larger plan. We can't expect him to tell us all his reasons," the Reverend continued.

"What kind of "lovin' father" would punish folks without tellin' 'em why?" Matthew wanted to know.

"God only sends us what we can bear. That's why I know you'll get through this." The Reverend firmly believed, trying to convince his young friend.

"But that ain't true. Some folks can't take what they get - their lives get ruined," Matthew said defeated.

"Like who?" asked the Reverend, challenged.

"Like..." said Matthew as he looked around, spotting Sully as he carried the rope to Mike's wagon. Sully had tried to calm him and empathised with him after the funeral and since this whole sorry sager had commenced with that bl***y wolf of Brian's. Why had it bitten Ingrid?

"Like... Sully's folks. When they lost their farm, his pa gave up, and his ma drowned herself," Matthew volunteered clutching at straws, his thoughts momentarily back remembering Sully's pain after Abigail had died with her baby.

Surprised the Reverend said, "I don't know what happened with Sully's parents. But with Ingrid, I believe that God has a higher purpose for her. She's in a brighter world..."

'Sorry, Reverend, the only world I know 'bout is this one," Matthew interrupted as he abruptly left, moving over to the contest.

Excitement was building around the growing competition. Jake began a book and Loren was caught up in the moment. He was losing money in speculating he'd make a killing selling his wares at the camp. This unfortunately hadn't occurred. So he plunged in, putting all Dorothy's money on Wilbur. The other contestant was a scrawny China man; Wilbur couldn't lose - this was a sure bet.

The prize for hammering in ten spikes was twenty dollars to the winner. The commotion eventually drew the Sully family towards the noise.

Peter was standing by the Chinese contestant, saying, "His name is Xiang Lu."

Loren, by now excited about possibly winning, said, "Chinaman's no match for that Wilbur. Look at his arms. He's huge." He pointed at the man's biceps.

Sully had seen this before and commented, trying to caution Loren, "The biggest ain't always the fastest, Loren."

There was some frenetic wagering going on amongst the men. Loren wanting a little of the action decided to take the risk and drew out Dorothy's money, placing the whole amount of $100 on Wilbur.

Jake warned him, "Hope ya know what ya doing?"

"I do!" Loren said grinning with delight at the thought of making up for his losses.

Matthew has thrown his hat in the ring as the third contestant, his anger driving him to show the world he was invincible.

Excited onlookers surged towards were the contest was to take place. There was a lot of shouting. Sleepers in the shape of a V were laid out, each with five spikes tapped in, ready for driving into the wood. Matthew, Xiang Lu and Wilbur stood in front of their respective V's. Xiang Lu was being coached by Peter and two Chinese workers.

Jake at last called for final bets and advised the three men, "Keep your hammers on the ground till I say start. Is that clear?"

All the contestants nodded.

"Ready?" Jake asked and then yelled, "Start!"

The excitement had grown as this was a way for the tired workers to let off steam and enjoy a little entertainment. Life at the camp usually consisted of long hard work and sleep. So everyone was caught up in the excitement. Cheers erupted as the contestants began hammering in the first spike. The three men moved at a frenetic pace, trying to get a lead on the others.

Matthew began with a slight edge on Wilbur, then followed Xiang Lu slightly off the early pace.

The family was watching Matthew; Brian and Colleen yelling for him excitedly at his early slight advantage. Other spectators were cheering on their favourite contestant. The two other men were slightly behind Matthew.

Matthew was hammering at a frenetic pace, wanting to increase the slight advantage when suddenly the spike flew away from the sleeper, landing on the earth away from him. He retrieved it and tripped, falling onto the ground heavily splitting his chin causing it to bleed. Michaela moved to examine the gash. He shrugged her off and recommenced the battle again, now even more frenzied than before. Sweat was flying off his brow and into his eyes.

The other two were nearing the end and the crowd had become frenzied with their cheering their contestant on to win. Finally Xian Lu won with a final strong blow. Wilbur had run out of steam in the dying last seconds.

Matthew by this time was uncontrolled and continued slamming the spikes into the wood with as much force as he was able to muster. His eyes had become unfocussed to the others around him and his anger had escalated that all he thought about was smashing something, anything to ease his pain and grief. Not even the thought of finishing the contest was in his thoughts at this moment.

Xian Lu was declared the winner and Loren was confronted with the knowledge he had lost Dorothy's money. He was in disbelief that this could possibly have happened.

Matthews rage at the world was escalating rapidly. All he wanted to do was smash the wood and spike for allowing this all to have happened to him. His world was shattered and he felt totally out of control and unable to draw back into a safer place. The family could not help, feeling stunned at Matthew's uncharacteristic behaviour as he kept slamming at the spikes as if he needed to finish, finish the game at all cost. His uncontrolled venting of his rage was unsettling to them all.

Dr Mike and Sully shared a concerned look as they were both extremely disturbed for him.

Matthew kept hammering the last spike in, until he finally threw the hammer down and walked off without looking back.

Colleen and Brian were unable to recognise their loving brother in this person who was determinedly stalking away. Dr Mike and Sully felt absolutely powerless to help him in any way; he was lost.


	4. Chapter 4

Matthew's Ordeal Chapter 4

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

As Matthew stalked away from his family kicking at the stones with the toe of his shoe he was consumed with such an anger he'd not experienced before. He recognised they were only trying to help but they weren't. He just needed to be left alone in his own misery so he could decide how to climb out of this deep hole and mess.

…

After retiring for the night Michaela was seated on her cot deep in thought, searching for some type of solution to this predicament. Sully had begun to pack their belongings for their trip home, trying to decide on a book he'd discovered whether it was one that belonged to the family or if it had been there before.

Michaela spoke with hesitation wondering what Sully's reaction would be to her words, "I don't want to leave tomorrow." She looked up at him for some understanding.

Moving to sit beside her he replied gently, "Wouldn't make any difference, we could wait another day, or another week."

She knew he had a point but the mother in her wanted to try. She sadly stated, "I can't leave him like this. He's lost."

She looked at Sully with concern for their oldest son for this truth was evident to both of them.

Sully looked into her eyes, silently asking her to understand, "Maybe he needs to be lost for a while…I did."

Yet Michaela continued as if she hadn't heard him, "But you suffered so."

Sully remembered how it had been immediately after Ingrid's funeral when he had been catapulted back in time trying to be strong for Matthew.

Taking her hands in his he responded quietly, trying to reassure her, "I got through it….And Matthew's gonna do the same."

Again she responded, "Wouldn't you like to spare Matthew that pain?"

Surprised that she ask him such a question he said, "'Course I would. But I wouldn't know how," he admitted knowing how deeply he'd been affected all those years before.

"I have to try... whatever I can. If only it were me instead of Matthew. If I could take his pain... " she continued as if lost in her own train of thought.

Sully sadly said, "But ya can't."

"Let's stay a while," she pleaded. Sully shook his head knowing that it was useless suggesting otherwise at this moment. Continuing she went on, "Two days, then I'll go without complaint."

He replied "You're makin' it harder on everybody." Knowing he was right she looked at him with defiance.

…

The next morning the Sully family was eating breakfast at the trestle table in the open air mess tent. Work near the camp was going on as usual. There had been no sign of Matthew this morning.

Colleen asked, "What do you think's gonna happen to Matthew?" Concern for her brother was etched into her face.

Dr Mike worriedly looked at Sully as he replied, "I think he's gonna work in that saloon for a while; keeps followin' the railroad, and then he's gonna realize it ain't what he wants."

"How long'll that take?" Brian asked dejectedly.

"Can't say. Depends on..." Sully began.

Suddenly the morning air was pierced with the sound of a violent bursting and loud noise. The parents instantly covered the children with their bodies. When the dust disappeared they ran to the site of the explosion.

From the entrance of the saloon Matthew appeared. Seeing his family rush towards the site of the accident he moved to join the crowd.

Their Ma as usual took the position of immediately assessing the condition of the injured men and taking control. She shook her head with sadness when she discovered they'd died as a result of the explosion. _"Such a waste,"_ she thought. Quickly she moved over to the last injured Chinaman who was alive but severely injured. He was covered in blood and his limbs lay at unusual angles. She recognised him as the man who'd been in the contest the day before. Suddenly Peter was standing beside her. Just off to the side Sully stood with the children and the foreman Mr Riggs with a crowd of others.

Anxiously Peter enquired, "Are they alive?"

"Only one," Michaela sadly replied, not daring to look in his direction.

Gazing at the injured man Peter said his name, "Xiang Lu."

"I'm sorry, Peter," she said and then directed her comments to the crowd standing by, "Let's get him to the tent quickly!"

Immediately the men began to organise a stretcher to move their colleague.

Sadly looking at the man Colleen took Peter's hand as the workers carried him to the tent.

Mr Riggs turned to the remaining crowd saying, "We're gonna need replacements for those men. Anybody here worked with nitro-glycerine before?" When nobody responded he continued, "Somebody better learn real quick, cause we can't move forward 'til we blow that wall."

…..

As fast as possible Xiang Lu was put onto a table. Colleen was there to assist Dr Mike as she had for years now. Michaela was making the examination as Colleen held the light.

"Would you bring the candle closer, please?" Dr Mike requested. "The bones are crushed. Tendons are severed. I'm afraid there's no way I can repair it."

Watching her Ma Colleen asked, already anticipating the answer, "So what'll you do?"

Michaela responded, "His arm will have to come off, that's the only chance he has. Please, get me the bone saw."

Colleen went off and fetched the instrument that her ma had required.

"Give him some more chloroform. Watch his breathing," Dr Mike requested with a sigh to Colleen.

Colleen poured some chloroform onto a piece of gauze. "He's breathin' steady," she said as she held the cloth over the patient's mouth and nose.

Dr Mike began the surgery and continued to remove the arm she was unable to save. She realized the implications to this young man as she completed the operation.

….

Sully had offered to assist to Peter and helped wrap the two dead men in shrouds. The sad procedure was nearly completed. Sully and Peter's hearts were heavy at the loss of these men, especially since they were so far from their homes and families.

Brian walked in while Matthew was standing aside with a look that said he was unaffected by the proceedings, his arms folded over his chest as a barrier. Peter began to go through the personal things of his two friends. They didn't have much: A photo, a few coins and other small items.

Quietly Peter said, "This makes twelve who have died since we started..." He was saddened by another pointless loss.

Indifferently Matthew chimed in, "Won't be the last." He said it as if stating an obvious fact.

"What do you wanna do with their things? Ship 'em back home?" Sully asked placing his hand on Peter's shoulder, understanding there may be a ceremony for these men as the Cheyenne performed for their departed.

Softly Peter continued, "No. We will bury these with them. And I have to make lanterns."

"Lanterns? What for?" Brian asked with interest.

Peter continued with a sad smile, "We believe that a spirit must travel across the dark water before it can enter Heaven. So we light a lantern to help guide the spirit on its journey home."

Eagerly wanting to help Brian offered, "Can I help ya?"

"Yes. That will be good," Peter replied thankfully to the young boy.

Wiping her hands on a cloth Dr Mike came from behind the partition with Colleen who walked to Peter's side. Peter looked at Dr Mike asking, "Xiang Lu?"

"He did very well. He has a good chance of surviving. But I'm afraid we had to amputate his arm," Dr Mike informed him. It was never easy for her to impart bad news, especially to their friend.

Peter, sadness written on his face, commented, "Then he cannot work."

Matthew conceded, "Not for the railroad". He still seemed removed from the proceedings, as if standing there wasn't affecting him at all.

Peter looked at the belongings of one of the men who'd died: a letter and the old worn photograph and said, "He was sending money home, to feed his family. All the men were. They kept nothing for themselves."

"We'll take up a collection," volunteered Sully.

Peter continued telling them, "All they dreamed of was seeing their homes once again."

"They were fine men," Dr Mike answered.

With a sneer and a shake of his head Matthew replied before just walking out, "What good did it do 'em?"

Shocked the family just looked in the direction of Matthew's retreating back.


	5. Chapter 5

Matthew Ordeal Chapter 5

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

Later in the saloon tent Matthew was behind the bar serving the workers when his Ma and Pa walked over to him.

Dr Mike began, "Matthew..."

Glaring at her he stated, "I can't talk now."

At this moment Mr Riggs entered the bar shouting, "Lemme have your attention!" Immediately the room fell silent. Then he continued, "Gentlemen, do I have any volunteers yet?"

A worker relied, "You ain't got a Chinaman's chance 'a findin' anybody to blow that wall."

Ignoring the comment Mr Riggs went on, "Would a fifty dollar bonus change anybody's mind?"

The workers began to mumble. It was tempting; another extra $50 bought a lot of stuff. Made life easier.

The same worker said, "Won't do me any good if I'm dead."

"Those men were just unlucky," Mr Riggs replied. "There's a lot of money to be made, if ya got a talent for this. Who wants to try?" He had to get the job done and this obstacle needed to be removed at any cost; that was his only concern.

Matthew didn't look at his family as he suddenly came forward with the chilling words, "I will."

Mr Riggs stepped to him and patted him on the shoulder, "Good man. Can you do it tomorrow?"

Losing interest, the workers went back to continue what they'd been doing. Matthew shrugged, "Why not?"

Horrified, Dr Mike rushed to Matthew while Sully was alarmed but trying to hold onto his emotions, wondering what was on Matthew's mind. He immediately knew the answer though just looking at his steeled face and eyes.

"What are you doing? You don't know a thing about nitro-glycerine," Michaela burst out accusingly.

Unmoved, her oldest son retorted, "I'll learn."

Coming over to join them Sully pointed out the obvious, "Not in one day. Takes months to learn how to use it that dangerous explosive."

As if to justify his reckless decision Matthew retorted, "We gotta blow that wall, or nobody works."

Dr Mike said anxiously, "You could get blown up with it," but was suddenly aware that it was that what he maybe intended.

"I'll take my chances," Matthew responded as his ire escalated at their interference in his life. He thought it was his life and he could do with it what he wanted. He didn't care about life anymore; his was over with the death of his beloved Ingrid. Her death had put paid to that. There were no more hope, dreams or desire only this overwhelming despair and grief grasping him in its dark void of nothing. Obviously his ma didn't get it that he didn't care what happened to him anymore.

Feeling dumbfounded Michaela said, "For fifty dollars?"

Still defending himself he responded, "It ain't about the money. I don't care about money."

Throwing a question right back at him she required, "Then what is it? What do you care about?"

"Nothin'," he stated rebelliously whilst pouring himself a whisky, drinking it in a gulp and looking her straight in the eye.

Thoughts swirled around in his mind like, _"Now, what ya goin ta do?"_ Her standing there made him more hostile and insolently goading her into yet another verbal round with him. _"Just leave me alone!"_ his mind was screaming.

Defeated Michaela looked at Sully who could only shake his head. After casting another look back at Matthew, the couple left the saloon.

Sully saw the spiralling out of control that Matthew was spinning into and tried to work on a plan that may help his son out of the mess he was getting into, realizing that already it may be too late to help him.

In desperation Dr Mike pleaded with him to intervene, "You've got to stop him."

Sully replied, "How?"

She continued, "You're like his father. He'll listen to you."

Sully wondered how she'd take his next words, "He's not listenin' to anybody right now." Realizing the black hole Matthew was in was so obvious that he just didn't care.

Imploring him she said, "Then hold him back. I don't care how you do it, but don't let him up on that wall." She was becoming desperate.

"Michaela, he's of age. Even if I tie him up and hold him, he'll go out later and find somethin' else that's just as dangerous, just as crazy." He knew his words where falling on deaf ears, she didn't want to hear. How was he going to get her to understand his heart was aching.

Dr Mike said, "I know that after Abigail died, you went off to war. You put yourself in the most dangerous spot you could find. And you were lucky. But we can't trust luck now. Not with Matthew's life. Can we?" She was looking at Sully with despair, reaching out to him. She knew that Matthew needed help but was at a loss how to get through to him. All her efforts had been to no avail; in fact they seemed to be doing more harm than good. But her mother's love for her son prevented her from giving up, she had to keep trying.

…

Peter wrote Chinese Calligraphy on the white rice paper that would be made into lanterns while Brian and Colleen were assisting him. There were already a couple of finished lanterns on the nearby bench. Peter was making them for his deceased friends.

Colleen and Brian enjoyed helping Peter knowing that keeping him company at this sad time was good for him.

While Colleen was placing a candle on the base of one lantern she turned and asked Peter, "What do you write on them?"

"We write in praise of those we have lost, or as a prayer for their safety," he replied, shyly looking at Colleen.

She wondered, "What does that one say?"

"Wisdom," he said while finishing a character.

Colleen was surprised, "That's how ya spell "wisdom"?"

Brain looked up and saw Matthew coming over to listen to them.

Peter continued with his explanation, „Our language does not use letters. We use characters; like pictures that mean words." Pointing to a character he said, "This means "broom"." As his finger wandered to another he went on, "This means heart. The broom is placed over the heart, because when you sweep the heart clean - sweep away anger and bitterness - wisdom can arise."

"Why do you put the lanterns in the water?" Colleen asked again.

Peter continued with his explanation, "Buddhists believe that life is like a sea of suffering. You place the lanterns on the water to help the spirits reach the other side of the sea."

Colleen enquired, "Do you believe that?"

"In some ways, yes, there is much suffering in life... but there is also much beauty," replied Peter looking shyly in her direction.

Blushing softly Colleen responded, "It's hard to see that when you're suffering."

"You must grieve for your loved ones. But then, you must let them go across," Peter said.

"Matthew, why don't ya make a lantern for Ingrid?" Brian said to Matthew then turned to Peter, "Could he do that?"

Peter answered, "Yes. We will put them on the water together."

Matthew, shaking his head No said, "We already had a funeral."

As he walked away Peter and Colleen shared a look. Brian looked sad.

…..

Matthew had decided he might need to at least practice what was required in handling the fragile explosive. He'd sort out a quiet area at the bottom of the rock wall with holes already to use. Concentrating with a vial of water in his hand and the packing clay he gingerly began to raise it. Suddenly he realized he was being observed and turning, he dropped the vial that shattered on the rocks. Frustrated he looked daggers in Sully's direction. Then both gazed at the shattered vial at Matthew's feet.

Sully affirms, "That's all it's gonna take."

"I've seen how they use this stuff. I know what to do," Matthew retorted with an air of arrogance.

Sully states, "I seen it used a few times, too, but that don't mean I know anythin' 'bout handlin' somethin' that unstable."

Matthew maintained, "Nothin's gonna happen when I'm up there."

Challenging him Sully responded, "Yeah, it will, 'cause that's what you want."

"I never said that," Matthew replied defensively.

"Ya didn't have the guts." Once again Sully tried to goad his son into a reaction, raise his anger up a notch. He hoped that if he could get him angry enough to realize he was depressed he may listen to reason. Sully was acutely aware of the position he was witnessing here. Now with Matthew, he was reliving the nightmare that had haunted him all those years ago after Abigail died. He could read it in Matthew's eyes. He was shuddering at the realization that he had been in this exact spot and stagnant for those years before he'd been fortunate to fall in love with Michaela and have the children and her filling his life.

"Guts? I'm the only man here with the nerve to blow this wall," Matthew said sneering at his Pa.

Immediately Sully responded, "You're the only man stupid enough not to wait for a demolition team."

How was he going to get Matthew out of this insane notion he felt sure he had? What effect was it going to have on Michaela and the children? Brian was just starting to get back to his normal self after the tragedy with Pup and Ingrid. If Matthew carried out his plan as Sully felt he would, then what would be left?

"Is that why you came, to tell me I'm stupid?" Matthew glared at Sully with all the venom he could muster.

Sully tried to keep his voice neutral saying, "Matthew, you ain't the first person to lose somebody. I spent months walkin' around in circles, askin' why, why'd I have to lose my wife and baby? But there's no sense askin' why it happened. The only question is: what're ya gonna do now?

You can go up or down. But I'll tell ya, goin' down is the coward's way." His voice was escalating as he was forced to bring up the feelings buried so deep within him in an attempt to make his son see some sense in his recklessness and actions. Sully knew he was lucky having found a brother in Cloud Dancing who cared. Now he had the arduous task of making Matthew see sense. It was an enormous task but he was prepared to have a go. For all their sakes he would do everything to save his family more grief.

"I'm gonna blow that wall," Matthew yelled with his eyes blazing at Sully.

Sully returned in kind, "Then you're a coward!"

He was egging on Matthew's rage at the world and everything in it for it to come rapidly to the surface. "Come on. Lemme see how mad ya are. How you're mad at Ingrid because she left ya all by yourself!" Sully shouted even louder.

"I ain't mad at Ingrid," Matthew yelled back in his Pa's face, his nostril flaring with a temper ready to bust. With his face reddening, his fists clenching and heart pounding in his chest he tried to keep control of these swinging emotions he was being bombarded with.

Without relenting Sully used another bait to bring Matthew to the boil, "And you're mad at me, 'cause I won't let ya blow yourself to bits, no matter how stupid ya wanna be!"

Matthew suddenly took to Sully slamming his fist full force into his face, connecting and splitting Sully's lip. Sully's head was forced sidewards by the intensity of the blow but he was now determined to see this through with Matthew. He would be his punching bag if it would allow the boy to see reason.

"Come on. Can't you do no better 'n that! Is that all ya got?" Sully jeered as Matthew stepped in again.

Suddenly it occurred to Matthew what Sully was trying to do. He stopped and looked at his Pa, recognising that he was attempting to allow him to expend his anger on him. Be his punching bag in an attempt to exhaust all the pent up emotions he had suppressed inside him.

For a moment they just stood staring at each other. Matthew was feeling it all: shock from his sudden loss, denial that Ingrid would die, anger that she did die and left him behind, guilt that he couldn't prevent her from going, the depression that they married before hand but never fulfilled their dream. Still breathing hard he just looked sadly at his Pa, then turned and walked away. With his heart breaking Sully watched the retreating figure.

He knew he had to tell Michaela. He gave Matthew an out but the lad was in such a self-destructive, depressed mood there wasn't anything any of them could do.

…

Early the next morning Matthew stood on the top of the cliff wall that had become the obstacle to the railroad's progress. He was amazingly calm although he was not aware of this fact. He focused on his intention of this being his final act. Why wouldn't he feel a thing after what happened to the Chinamen a few days ago? He refused to consider his family and the effect it would have on them. He refused to contemplate any future at all. Why he'd sat and cried a million tears and held the only tangible thing left from Ingrid each sleepless evening? He knew that she would be angry at him but he wasn't ready and wouldn't move on. Her piercing blue eyes were there each time he closed his eyes even for a brief second. His memories and that incessant dream occurring when he was so exhausted to sleep haunted him. And again the question *WHY*? Never-ending *what if's* persistently went round and round in his mind without even a hint of an answer.

Men had erected a sturdy A-frame to hold the strong basket and were checking that the hessian rope had no flaws in it, that it would be tough enough to hold Matthew's weight. They never realized that actually Matthew had no intention of returning.

After standing back and observing Matthew for a time Peter became concerned. Silently Peter approached him saying, "You cannot do this alone".

"I ain't askin' for help," Matthew replied.

Peter persisted, "You need a steel driver, and you need someone to steady the basket while you set the nitro-glycerine. Please, you must have two men in the basket."

Matthew looked over the wall, considering the offer.

…..

At the camp site Dr Mike and Sully were taking the children back to their tent, explaining the danger of coming with them.

Colleen asked, "Why can't we come?"

Her Pa replied, "Too dangerous."

Not giving up Brain reiterated, "But Matthew..."

"We're going to take care of Matthew," Dr Mike assured him.

Not intending to give in Colleen said, "He's our brother, we got a right to be there too."

"Stay in your tent. We'll come and get you when it's safe," Sully emphasised.

Dr Mike recapped, "Don't worry. We won't let anything happen to him."

Entering their tent the children were not at all pleased with the turn of events as they had felt the tension for days now and understood that what Matthew was proposing to do was extremely dangerous. They had seen what this explosive was capable of. Sully was unable to hide his split lip and they sensed that it had to do with Matthew.

Moving on to Matthew's tent Michaela and Sully entered. Dr Mike called, "Matthew?"

It was obvious that he was gone; he'd packed everything up and had left it all neat and tidy. Looking at each other with concern they quickly left to look for him.

…

Outside their tent Colleen and Brian were not happy at being denied the opportunity to see Matthew. They were concerned as well.

Brian resolutely stated, "I ain't gonna wait here."

"But they'll see us if we leave," Colleen said frowning.

"Not if we take another way up," Brian urged, heading away from the tent in an opposite direction to their parents. They were going to see Matthew at all case.


	6. Chapter 6

Matthew Ordeal Chapter 6

**Disclaimer I do not own the characters in this story. I wish the people who did would use them and create new series. I have just borrowed the characters.**

Already in the basket that was to be lowered by the line of men were Matthew and Peter.

Looking at Peter and then the men Matthew said, "We're ready."

Slowly the workers began to lower the basket with the two men over the edge and down the side of the rock wall.

Moving as fast as they could Dr Mike and Sully arrived at the working site where there was no sign of Matthew. Looking over the edge Sully saw their son carefully being lowered down the wall face. He looked at Michaela with concern in his eyes. They were too late.

Eventually Matthew and Peter came to the spot in the wall that needed to be blown. There was already a crack they could use. Hanging from the basket Peter began to clear the wall. With the steel rod he cracked away the rock making the opening big enough to place the container into. Gingerly Matthew held the vial of nitro-glycerine, looking at Peter. Still feeling a clam he'd not expected.

"Ready?"he asked.

"Ready," Peter replied nervously.

Gently he proceeded to place the vial in the hole. Looking up the wall, Matthew took the box of matches and lit the fuse of the already primed explosive without any hesitation. His attention was drawn to the hissing fuse that was growing shorter, and he just stared at it, oblivious to his surroundings.

Peter looked at Matthew and shouted to the line men up the top, "Pull!"

Instantly they began to heave on the rope, slowly yanking the basket up the cliff face.

Gaining access to a ridge opposite the blast site right at this moment, Colleen and Brian were breathless from hurrying there from a different direction.

They watched the men pulling with all their might at the top. They heaved and heaved at the rope attached to the basket below. Suddenly the rope became taut as the basket snagged on a ledge of gutting rock. Matthew and Peter were lodged dangling there in space, caught only feet above the sizzling fuse. They were in grave danger of being blown up. Time was ticking as if in slow motion. The men at the top were unable to bring their colleagues up further. Nothing they tried seemed to make a difference. The men knew there was something wrong.

Peter was attempting to dislodge the basket pushing in the ledge with all his strength. Becoming desperate he looked at Matthew who wasn't even trying to assist. Peter's own instincts were kicking in with more strength but he needed help.

Matthew remained oblivious and separated to their increasingly dangerous predicament, still firmly focused on the shortening fuse. He had transported himself into a space of accepting their fate. He was too tired and exhausted to go on; he wanted it all to end. This here would be quick and painless.

Peter implored, "Matthew, help me!"

Yet Matthew appeared not to hear Peter's plea; he made no effort to move. Having already accepted the inevitable Matthew was just waiting.

Peter's own heart beat was racing; again he tried to get through to Matthew with panic and urgency in his voice. "Matthew!" he yelled.

As if in a hypnotic trance Matthew continued not to hear anything, his sight concentration directed on the fuse. Smaller and smaller it sizzled shorter but he was lost in his own dark world. He and the explosive were duelling within him, and he wanted the explosive to win and end all the pain and darkness.

Suddenly Matthew heard his name being called from a different direction. Looking up he saw Brian and Colleen standing over a short ravine on the other ridge.

From the top of the cliff Michaela and Sully saw the younger siblings as well.

Brian was inching as far as he could to be with Matthew. Suddenly his foot slipped on the loose gravel and he began to slip over the edge. Colleen grabbed for him, holding on as tightly as possible stopping him from going over the brink.

Dr Mike yelled, "Brian!"

Brian called out, "Matthew! Matthew!"

Suddenly Matthew's attention was redirected to his young bother dangling over the edge. He shouted, "Brian, hold on!"

Colleen valiantly was holding onto her younger brother. Matthew suddenly needed to help them and finally came to his senses. He began assisting Peter in freeing the basket, pushing it away from the ledge it was wedged under.

In the meantime Colleen with a mighty heave pulled Brian back onto safe ground. She fell back, breathless from the effort.

All the attempts where being exhausted in hauling the two men in the basket to safety when the *EXPLOSION* ripped through the air. Dust and pebbles blasted up from down below. Sully and Michaela looked over the edge seeing Peter and Matthew lying at the bottom of the swinging basket. Michaela let out a scream and they both joined the men in heaving the basket atop of the cliff. Finally they had it on firm ground were the pair looked inside. Everyone feared the worst for the two men lying lifelessly.

Then they both began to cough. They had been lucky; they were only shaken and bruised by flying debris. Sully assisted them when they exited the basket, just as the younger siblings arrived on the scene. Matthew nodded and offered his hand out to Peter with gratitude and thanks.

Dr Mike immediately moved in to asses any effects the explosion may have had on them. All that seemed to be wrong was Matthew's old wound under his chin that had re-opened. All of a sudden the full impact of the *what if* hit Matthew like he'd been hit over the head with a sleeper… His knees buckled under him and he sunk to the ground, becoming aware that he was still luckily alive. He looked his younger siblings, Dr Mike and Sully with the realization this family loved him and was there for him.

Sully, standing by Dr Mike, had begun to stroke her shoulder. They were both relieved beyond measure at their son's miraculous escape. Michaela told her family that she'd heard Mr Riggs say the wall was cleared and they'd be moving forward and Matthew was going with them.

Sully leaned over and gave her a kiss on her neck, then said softly, "He's gonna be all right. It'll take some more time, but... I think he's been through the worst of it."

"Do you really think so?" she questioned hoping he was right looking into his eyes needing to reasured.

Sully continued with more confidence, "He made a choice up there. He wants to live." Relief that finally Matthew was going to be all right engulfed him.

Holding her in his arms Sully could feel all the anxiety ebbing out of her from the stress she'd been placed through in the past few days. He silently prayed his thanks to the spirits for their intervention.

…

The family was packing up in preparation for their departure when Matthew walked towards them. Turning, Sully saw him.

He smiled at his son, "Matthew, we were just about to come and find ya."

Enquiring and stating the obvious, Matthew responded, "Headin' home?"

Replying Sully says, "Yep."

Dr Mike told Matthew, "I don't like leaving you here, but I'm confident you can take care of yourself."

Matthew acknowledged her with a nod of his head as she continued, saddened still at all that he was going through, "You're always welcome in our home. Always. You know that."

Acknowledging her statement he asked, "Yeah. I was wonderin'... Do ya think you could take some of my things back with ya? Keep 'em safe?"

"Sure," Sully replied without hesitation.

They went with him to his tent which he'd packed up earlier where he'd removed a few items he'd need in the future. Indicating at what was still lying there Matthew said, "You can take the rest… At the rate we're movin', we'll probably make it to Pueblo next month. Then head south, to Santa Fe."

Holding on tightly to her emotions Dr Mike said sincerely to her son, "Well, wherever you are, I hope you'll be happy."

Replying Matthew admitted, "I don't know 'bout bein' happy."

With understanding Sully advised, "Just take it as it comes."

"Someday, you might even have some of the things you dreamed of having with Ingrid," Dr Mike stated hopefully.

Sadly Matthew responded, "I don't think so. Ingrid and I were gonna have our own home, and she was gonna send for things from her relatives in Sweden, so she'd feel even more like it was hers."

Imagining that as her thoughts of Ingrid surfaced Dr Mike softly acknowledged, "That would have been lovely."

Drifting off on his own thoughts Matthew continued, "I was gonna take her to Boston, so she could see where you grew up, and she was gonna take me to Sweden, and we were gonna have children right away." Looking at his Ma he said "You woulda been a grandma".

She replied gently, "I would have liked that."Her voice catching.

Taking up a wooden music box he said thoughtfully, "Maybe ya oughta take this back for me, too."

Sully looked at it seeing it meant a lot to Matthew and asked, "What is it?"

"The first thing Ingrid was gonna put in our house," Matthew replied sadly.

"It's beautiful," his Ma said.

Matthew explained, "She was payin' somebody in Denver to make it. Jon said she'd been sendin' fifty cents every month, no matter how bad things were. She was only four months away from finishin' her payments, but when the man heard she died, he just gave it to Jon."

Asking permission from Matthew Michaela requested, "May I open it?"

With a nod Matthew agreed. As she lifted the lid a sweet melody could be heard.

Sully wondered, "What's that song?"

Turning to Dr Mike Matthew asked, "Ya know, don't ya?"

She couldn't quite place it and as she shook her head he reminded her, "Remember when we had that Hurdy Gurdy, with Miss Olive? I couldn't get up the nerve to ask Ingrid to dance, and she started cryin' 'cause nobody was askin' her. She didn't know I'd bought all her tickets. That's when I finally talked to her, and when we danced, that was the song they were playin'. She told Jon she always wanted to remember that music, so she wouldn't ever forget what it felt like to fall in love with me."

Suddenly Matthew felt the flood of all the tension he'd been holding onto for so long swell up with in him, and he finally broke down. He at last realized that what he was saying: she was gone and would never be here again. His love and thoughts holding her close had been all he was able to do. Telling their story was acknowledging she was part of him and the hearing of the tune and remembering was all he was able to do. His demons where now beginning to disappear. His Ma and Pa moved in, holding him tightly and offering their support.

….

All the family and Peter were with a group of Chinese workers at a stream. The water reflected the light of the lanterns that were soundlessly gliding over it like ghosts into the misty stillness with a silence that was eerie.

Looking towards Peter Matthew asked, "Ya think I could light one?"

Without hesitation Peter replies, "Yes." Relieved that Matthew had asked to participate in the ceremony.

"I made one for ya," Brian volunteered, handing it to Matthew silently pleased that he'd done something right for his brother.

Matthew ever so grateful to his little brother said, "Thanks, Brian."

Lighting the candle, he held the lantern, silently saying a prayer for his beloved before placing it on the water and gently shoving it out into the stream. All the lanterns became shrouded in the fog, beginning going out one by one. The only one was Matthew's gliding on.

Matthew with his eyes on his lantern asked, "What does it mean if the candle goes out?"

Quietly Peter replied, "It means the spirit has reached the other side."

They were all watching as the lone lantern began to flicker and finally faded and went out.

Matthew whispered, "Good-bye, Ingrid."

Suddenly a feeling of letting go of all the hurt he's been through enveloped Matthew as he sighed. He felt as if she had said her good bye as well. Acceptance of all that had been in the past months gave him a feeling of serene peace.

Turning to his family Matthew said, "Let's go home."

Linking arms they turned from the stream and began their way home as a united family….

**The end**

Dedicated to Kylie G. 1968 - 2011

Thanks to Kruemi for your assistance and advice.

**About Floating Lantern Ceremony**

The Lantern Ceremony is an ancient tradition celebrated in many Asian countries around the world, including China, Thailand and Japan. The Lantern Festival is usually held on a Buddhist holiday on the night of a full moon. Since the world's first atomic bombings of Hiroshima on 6 August 1945 and three short days later Nagasaki on 9 August 1945 this ceremony has taken on a new meaning in Japan. Japan's Buddhists believe the souls of their ancestors visit them every year so they put out lanterns to guide the spirits and when the visit ends the lantern is set adrift to light the path back to heaven.


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